So, tonight, I took my engagement and wedding ring off my left hand and put in on my right. I’ve tried it a couple of times, but moved it immediately back to its rightful fourth finger. I cried in the shower when I looked down. It has been 5 months now, and I need to come to terms that this is my actual life. I still feel like I have a husband. I still feel married. But I know that I don’t and that I’m not.
I’m not sure what an acceptable time frame is for doing these things. I’m moving slowly and hopefully, thoughtfully. Donating clothes, giving away books and recycling work papers… I’m trying to sort through our life together and putting things in their place. Crossing things off the list.
I love my ring. It is a true symbol of our marriage, and I’ve worn it every day, for the most part, for 21 years. I stared at it in awe when it was first given to me. I gazed at it lovingly when we walked down the aisle. Matt would look at it when he held my hand and smile. My girls have all tried it on. I’m not ready to stick it in a jewelry box though, so on my right-hand, it sits…
It’s just some gold and some stones. It’s not the biggest or the smallest. It was, though, a symbol of what Matt and I built together. Me doing this isn’t saying that I’m “available”…this is me saying that I’m accepting my life and moving forward.
Matt Bair Remembered 